Relating with Difficult People: Lessons from Nehemiah | Rev Dr John Kwasi Fosua

Amazing Grace Baptist Church, Hamburg Bible Study Material on Emotional Intelligence

Introduction

Every Christian will meet difficult people. This is also true in the church. We may meet people who criticise, misunderstand, complain, discourage, or oppose us. The challenge is not always to change the difficult person. Often, the greater challenge is to control our own response.

The message of Nehemiah teaches us an important truth: we cannot always control how people behave, but with God’s help, we can control how we respond. Emotional intelligence means recognising and managing our emotions and responding wisely to the emotions and behaviour of others. For Christians, this is part of spiritual maturity.

Understanding Emotional Intelligence in the Context of the Church and in the Book of Nehemiah

Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognise, understand and manage our own emotions while responding wisely to the emotions and behaviour of others. For Christians, emotional intelligence is more than a psychological skill. It is part of spiritual maturity.

A person may know the Bible, preach powerful sermons and lead many people, but still struggle to control anger, receive criticism, forgive others or deal wisely with difficult people. This is why emotional intelligence is particularly important in the church. The church is a community of people who love God but are still growing.

We come from different families, cultures, personalities and experiences. We therefore do not always see things in the same way. Sometimes misunderstandings arise. Sometimes people criticise leaders. Sometimes members become offended. Sometimes people compete for recognition. Sometimes someone who should be supporting the work becomes one of the people creating difficulties.

Nehemiah faced something similar. As he rebuilt the walls of Jerusalem, Sanballat and Tobiah repeatedly opposed him. They mocked him, threatened him, attempted to frighten him, invited him into traps and spread accusations against him. Their methods changed, but their purpose remained the same: to stop the work. Yet Nehemiah did not allow their behaviour to determine his behaviour.

Nehemiah could not control what these men did. However, he refused to allow their behaviour to control his character or his mission.

Lessons from Nehemiah

The first lesson from Nehemiah is: do not react impulsively. When Sanballat mocked the Jews, Nehemiah did not immediately enter into an argument. He prayed, “Hear, O our God, for we are despised” (Nehemiah 4:4). He created space between the provocation and his response.

We also need to learn to pause. When someone says something hurtful, we should not immediately answer in anger. We can pray, think, and then decide what the wisest response should be. Sometimes the right response is a conversation. Sometimes it is silence. Sometimes we need to wait until our emotions have settled.

Second, do not allow difficult people to take you away from your purpose. When Sanballat invited Nehemiah to meet him, Nehemiah replied, “I am doing a great work, so that I cannot come down” (Nehemiah 6:3). He understood that the work God had given him was more important than the conflict.

Sometimes Christians become so focused on one difficult person that they forget their calling. A pastor may become consumed criticism. A church member may become consumed disagreement. We must remember what God has called us to build.

Third, use discernment. Nehemiah recognised that the invitation from Sanballat was a trap. Being loving does not mean being careless. Being humble does not mean saying yes to everything. There are times when a Christian must wisely say, “No, I cannot do that.”

Fourth, do not spend all your time defending yourself. When false accusations were made against Nehemiah, he answered clearly but did not allow the accusations to consume him. Sometimes we need to explain the truth, but we do not need to answer every rumour.

Finally, Nehemiah prayed and acted. Nehemiah 4:9 says, “We prayed to our God and posted a guard.” Prayer did not make him passive. He prayed for God’s help and also took wise action.

Application

Learning from Nehemiah in the context of the church, it is important to remember not to allow others’ emotional instability to become our own. Sometimes, difficult people in church do not use the same strategy.

At first, someone may say, “I am only asking a question.”  When that does not work, the person may begin complaining to others. When that fails, they may withdraw their support. When that does not work, they may say, “People are saying things about the pastor.” Eventually, the issue may become a personal attack. The emotionally immature leader and member reacts differently at every stage—angry at one point, defensive at another, fearful at another and eventually exhausted. The emotionally intelligent leader and member learns to recognise the pattern without becoming controlled it.

When someone upsets you, pause before you respond. Ask, “Lord, how do You want me to respond?” Do not allow another person’s anger to become your anger. Set healthy boundaries when necessary. Do not let one difficult person become bigger in your mind than the purpose God has given you.

Remember these five words: Recognise, Regulate, Discern, Respond, Refocus.

Conclusion

Nehemiah teaches us that opposition does not have to defeat our character, peace, or purpose. We may not be able to control difficult people, but we can ask God to help us control our response.

Do not come down from the wall simply because someone is shouting from the ground. Stay faithful to the work God has given you. And while asking God to help you deal with difficult people, also ask Him, “Lord, how are You asking me to behave?”

Key thought: “I cannot always control how people treat me, but with God’s help, I can control how I respond.”